Thursday, August 19, 2010

Donuts Don't Lie

Another night without a change in the standings – the Red Sox, Rays, and Yankees all win – and another night without a hit for, well, you know who I mean – and not Jorge Posada – although he didn’t get a hit either. He did almost throw out a runner at second sending Flash into a paroxysm of unrestrained glee and prompting the comment that he hadn’t seen Jorge throw so well in a very long time while the play was YES-Mo-ed to his twittering delight. If Posada had actually thrown out the runner, an increasingly unlikely occurrence, I’m sure Flash would have fainted dead away, fallen from the booth, and crushed an unsuspecting fan enjoying a YES-Dog and YES-Brew.

Kudos for Kerry Woods getting a strikeout to end a bases-loaded, two out threat and the only moment of any drama.

We are all aware that Picasner is ever alert to the vagaries of numbers that might suggest there is a facet of the universe that does not coincide with our favorite’s system of lore, misconceptions, misapprehensions, general confusion, and incorrectly defined self-interest. During the past months we have had several conversations about the relative merits of local newspapers including the Rochester Democrat & Chronicle and the Syracuse Post Standard. When we moved to Rochester last November I expected to find a vibrant, informative local daily. After all, Rochester boasts about its culture, its institutions of higher learning, and it is certainly larger and wealthier than Syracuse. Sadly, I found the D&C, an anemic rag more suited for wrapping fish than enjoying with morning coffee and mentioned my disappointment. Our boy jumped to the defensive of this noxious excuse for a newspaper with the same vigor as if I had offended his dear, sweet mother. “But the D&C has Bob Matthews”, he repeatedly mumbled while shaking his head in disbelief that someone had criticized “his” newspaper. In an effort to bring order out of chaos and further enlighten our already erudite oracle, I offer the BCD Index as an objective measure of the relative merits of daily newspapers. The BCD Index is a simple calculation of the number of Boston Cream Donuts I consume while reading a specific paper. What could be more objective than that?

The D&C is usually a 1.0, start to finish. Occasionally, it will score a 1.25 – 1.50 if Dear Abbey is particularly interesting. The Syracuse Post Standard rarely falls below 2.0 given larger op-ed, letters, national news, and sports sections (although they do not have Bob Matthews). Now my favorite mid-sized daily, The St. Petersburg Times is off the scale. This beefy, informative, and entertaining daily can’t be tamed with donuts. The Times requires, at a minimum, a MickeyD’s Big Breakfast and Cina-Melt chaser. Now that’s a newspaper and still 50 cents (but they don’t have Bob Matthews either).

I encourage our boy to give the BCD Index a chance. Even if it doesn’t provide some much needed openness to our cloistered favorite, it tastes damn good.

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