YEAR END LAUGHS

Before we get too serious, Jayson Stark has reminded us of the lighter side of baseball:
***COULD I HAVE A BANDAID, PLEASE?***
##Last week, Derrek Lee crossed home plate on the front end of Jeff Baker's game-winning two-run ninth-inning homer and got slapped so hard on the side of the helmet by teammate Angel Guzman, he didn't get back in the lineup for another five days.
##Reds outfielder Chris Dickerson knocked himself out of the lineup -- literally -- when he failed to pass the all-important enter-through-the-revolving-door exam at the team hotel in Pittsburgh and conked himself in the coconut.
##Mariners catcher Rob Johnson sprained his ankle while jumping up and down waiting for Ichiro to arrive at home plate after a walkoff homer.
##White Sox reliever Bobby Jenks popped a calf muscle during pregame stretching.
##Jose Guillen blew out his knee bending down to put on his shin guard.
##Phillies reliever Scott Eyre raised the age-old question, "Whatever happened to bullpen carts?" He strained a calf muscle running in from the bullpen, and wound up on the disabled list.
***SAY, WHAT??***
##This tongue-in-cheek quip (we think) from Met's manager Jerry Manuel after Gary Sheffield had to exit a July 17 game with some sort of hamstring injury:
"They're calling it cramps -- surgery on Thursday."
The best Rants of Ozzie Guillen 2009, courtesy of the Chicago Sun-Times' Joe
Cowley:
##In the midst of the White Sox's suicidal 1-9 collapse in late August:
"I was looking at the Little League game this morning, 11 to 13 and they were playing better than we did."
##Later in the same rant: "If we had a 'B' Game against us, we might tie."
Late-Night Quotes of the Year
• Fifth prize: (From David Letterman):
"Congratulations to the New York Yankees. Clinched their playoff berth. It just goes to show you what grit, hustle and a half a billion dollars will do."
• Fourth prize: (From Conan O'Brien):
"Manny Ramirez is playing for a Triple-A minor league baseball team while he serves out his suspension for using female fertility drugs. So far, Manny's gone hitless. But in Manny's defense, it is that time of month."
• Third prize: (From Stephen Colbert, on the downside of a new robot invented by Japanese engineers that can throw strikes on 90 percent of all its pitches and bat 1.000 against pitches in the strike zone):
"Who wants to read about a baseball player cheating on his wife with a toaster oven?"
• Second prize: (From David Letterman):
"Right here on CBS, we have 'The Ghost Whisperer.' Each week, she runs errands for dead people. And on tonight's show, she booked vacations for the Mets."
• First prize: (From Letterman):
"Paul McCartney is here tonight. … Paul's going to be in town this week doing two shows this weekend out at Citi Field, home of the Mets. The reason he's doing the two shows at Citi Field, home of the Mets, is that he hopes from those concerts to raise enough money to buy a couple of tickets to go see the Yankees."